Letting Go

Yesterday I let go of a lot of grudges. Most of which no one even knew I was harboring. Even myself.

I was hurt by several people in many of my circles whom I felt had wronged me in some way. And some of those ways were simply because they were happy. Some were in a better financial place than we were so they were able to do things that we couldn't do and I didn't want to see their happy escapades. Some were able to go to the gym that we can't afford, or they got personal trainers which we can't afford, and I didn't want to see my friends working out, sweating, smiling, having a great time, and doing these things both together and solo and without me. Some were friends with people whom I am not friends with and I didn't want to see these people out and about having fun, again ... WITHOUT ME.

Jealousy is an issue I've dealt with my entire life in some form or another. I have always wanted to be the best, or I didn't want to play. I'm not your BEST friend, then I'm not your friend at all. If I'm not the favorite, the immediate blue-ribbon-winner and the best at whatever I try, I give up. No practice for this chick. Nope. If I can't run a marathon at 240 pounds after 6+ years of sedimentary life, then I'm not even going to put on a pair of tennis shoes.

So, by simply clicking the "unfollow" button on Facebook, I was able to sweep all the joys and successes of my friends under the rug. Out of sight, out of mind. But then I realized that's not what friendship is. 

When a good friend's son became very ill, I wasn't "following" her on Facebook, so I didn't know about it. I wasn't there to support her and tell her that I was thinking about her and hoping he got better. When a friend was in a motorcycle wreck, I wasn't there to tell him that I would bring over a huge dish of cheesy meaty goodness with zero vegetables to make him feel better. These are just a few of the things that I missed out on. Thing that FRIENDS need to be there for each other to support one another.

Instead of being able to be a friend, I was shutting the door so I couldn't see what was going on in their lives. But in that time, I became slowly more bitter, even sadder, more introverted, and more of a loner. I don't want to even leave my house, y'all. And I don't want to be in my house either because I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I've created this little cocoon to protect myself from seeing other people happy because I am not.

You know what else I noticed? The more I ignored them, the more they ignored me. But wait ... why aren't they contacting me and saying, "Ahem .. Um ... Carter Ann ... where are you? What's wrong? Why aren't you telling me how awesome my vacation pictures are, why aren't you telling me you're thinking about my sick kid, why aren't you cheering me on during my latest 5K?" Nope. None of that. What happened was simply ... they stopped paying attention to me to. You know why? Because all relationships take work. They take a door that swings both ways.

So I just went through Facebook yesterday and I "Followed" all of the people that I had unfollowed. I then went back several posts into people feeds and liked or commented on things that I had missed over my pouting stint, and realized that I was breathing so much better. It was like I had lifted a shroud around my head that was doing nothing but keeping me inside. The joys, accomplishments, fears, tragedies, and celebrations hadn't stopped. I had just missed them. Me. By myself. Without them. Not them without me. It was me without them. 

So, to YOU ... 
I forgive you for having fun without me.
I forgive you for having more money than me.
I forgive you for having opinions different than mine.
I forgive you for staying friends with the person who hurt me.
I forgive you for having a life that revolves around your family and not mine.
I forgive you for needing time to figure things out.
I forgive you for having a "group" that I'm not a member of.
I forgive you for hurting me.
I forgive you for lying to me.
I forgive you for being thinner than me.
I forgive you for having the things that I can't have.
I forgive you for turning your back.
I forgive you for trying too hard.
I forgive you for having no clue that I was so sad, lost, hurt, and scared.
I forgive you for carrying on when I stopped.

And I hope that one day you can forgive me too.

And to YOU, who DID step forward and ask me out of the blue one day what was wrong. To YOU ... I can't thank you enough. I still have the email you sent me, and I still look at it. YOU helped get me out of this. YOU saw that something was wrong, when I didn't even know that I was in such a bad place, and YOU took the time to reach out. THANK YOU.