I want to curl into a ball and hide in my room. And eat cheeseburgers and fries.
But I really don't. I don't want cheeseburgers and fries. I want to live. I want to be strong and healthy and vibrant and bouncy, and I can't do that 100 pounds overweight. Just can't happen.
As sad as I am today, I'm not going to let the daemons in my head win.
Today would be the perfect example of a day when I could tell Mr. Saucy that I'm not going to make dinner, and I want takeout Chinese. Then I'd order the bobo tray, which is the appetizer sampler platter which is grease, fat, sugar, gluten FILLED and saturated with MSG and total crap, and I may even order a main dish as well. And this is usually when I figure that since I'm going to get zapped by the gluten in the bobo tray, I may as well have my favorite lomein, or fried rice, or sweet and sour pork. The starchier the better! Pile on the soy sauce, the sweet sauces, and give me something crunchy to dip into the zero food value product that is slightly gelatinous but neither a solid nor a liquid and is bright orange.
But nope. That's not happening tonight.
I'm still coming out of my last gluten zap, and I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that it's just not worth it. The love I have for McDonalds is going to kill me. Just that one bute of PB sandwich crust from the kids lunch box is going to put me into a psychological tailspin that will take anywhere from a day to a few weeks to come out of. In fact, I was just blogging from the potty just now. My poor system is still trying to get these poisons out of me. And I can't remember the last thing I ate that got me so badly this time. See. Clearly. Not. Worth. It.
I dropped GG off at school this morning and my tummy was already rumbling. I came home to check on the weather because we're having a fierce line of storms coming at us today. And this was when I found out about the passing of my dear friend. I stopped thinking about my hungry tummy and the weather and instantly contacted her sister to give my condolences. Then the tears started and Facebook started popping with thoughts and prayers for my friend and her family. Soon it was time to go pick GG back up, and I still hadn't eaten, but that's ok because I knew G was going to want lunch as soon as we got home.
Sure enough, she requested mac-n-cheese (shocker!) so I began making her favorite food in the whole wide world. And I had been thinking of a steak salad with blue cheese, and luckily, I had all the makings of such. So I cooked my steak and chopped my lettuce while hers cooked. And yes... I portioned my lettuce (2 greens) and my steak (1 red). However, I did do a little artistic licensing on the dressing and I counted it as my blue and my orange.
Tonight will be Tacos because I completely forgot that yesterday was Tuesday. Monday was a holiday, so I thought yesterday was Monday all day long.
However, I don't want tacos tonight. My family loves them and I love that it's something the whole family eats without bitching, but I don't want it tonight. I guess I need to figure out what I want so I can defrost it. I have all of my yellows and 3 more greens and 3 more reds, so that's a huge supper! I also have all of my purples, but I'm still so afraid of fruits. After losing 50 pounds in my 20's using Atkins, I'm so trained to think of fruits as pure sugar. Again... I'm so not an expert in any of these dieting and weightloss things, and I really doubt anyone truely is an expert because so many experts contradict one another. It's infuriating.
Anywho... Day 2 and I'm still here. Still have my color containers out. Still paying attention to what I'm eating. Still freaked out when I see my reflection in the mirror. How/when did I let myself get so big? My goodness.
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