Granted, when I was working, the mental age of the entire office was 8 as well, but the people around me at that time were "adults", so their 8-ness was WAY WAY worse than this. No, I'm NOT complaining, I wouldn't trade my life and this time with my kids for anything.
For instance, today I was looking at a catalog that had shiny, sparkly jewels all through it. They were so pretty. But not a single one was prettier, classier, or more remarkable than the sparkly eyes that look at me and call me Mommy.
If my life were totaly different... If I lived in NY, a high powered executive of an entertainment conglomerate, if I had no Honey, no babies, no puppies, no kitties...would I be happier? Hell NO! If I were traveling the world as a millionaire heiress, with a staff to pamper me and be at my bekon call, would I feel whole, or complete? Nope. If I were a celebrity chef, or the woman that Martha Stewart thought was The Shit, would those things make a difference? No.
No. What matters is what's inside. What I am, what my income is, what I drive, wear, and have are not who "I AM".
So... Who am I? Yeah, I'm a a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a neighbor, and a friend. I'm a cook, a wine lover, a crafter, a writer, a gardener, a recycler, a decorater. I wear glasses, I'm rarely happy with my hair style, I'm overweight, I'm stubborn, I fear change, but get stifled and bogged down with stagnintation. I have a loving husband, two amazing children, two incredible dogs, one spectacular cat, three above average fish, a house that's cluttered, at least one load of clothes in either the washer or drier or both, dirty dishes in the sink, and even a few dirty pans still on the stove from dinner last night.
I'm bored.
Clearly there is enough to do to keep me busy, but I'm just bored. But, I think more than that, my self esteem is shot to Hell. I'm unhappy with my appearance, so I don't like going out. I don't like my old friends to see me, and I don't feel worthy of making new friends.
So where is my damn willpower to change this? I had it once. In my late 20's I lost over 50 pounds and created a whole new ME. I know I can do it because I've already DONE it. I do the food shopping. I do the cooking. I'm as "in control" of all dietary and physical actions in this house as anyone can be, and yet I'm still the leader in sloth.
Every night I go to bed swearing that the next day will be different. I make big plans to go to the gym, eat right, wake up early so I can get the kids going and I'm not a slave to their schedules and their moods. I set my alarm so I can get up early to set the day. But, the morning comes, and I just don't want to get up super early. I want to sleep until a beautiful face is standing next to my pillow saying, "Goodmorning, Mommy." And then our same routine starts over again. I come downstairs with whomever woke up first. I make a cup of coffee while I pour them a bowl of cereal, then I sit down to check email, Facebook, and play a few games on my iPad. The other wakes up, and I pour them cereal and make my second cup of coffee. I use to watch The Today Show in the mornings, but the news is too scary for them, and I want them to stay sweet and innocent KIDS as long as possible.
I turn on PBS Kids while they have breakfast, then I find specific programming geared towards the lessons of the day. We talk about what the shows are teaching us, we work on craft projects, or we go out back and gather items from the back yard to make nature collages. I'll search Pinterest for science or art projects, but then the next thing I know it's lunch time. Where has the morning gone? And this is where it all goes downhill. I'll either turn off the TV and send the kids outside to play, which ALWAYS involves a massive fit from one or both. I then tell them they can either go outside to play, or they can go clean their rooms. Most of the time they head upstairs first.
But when they do decide they want to go outside, they want me to come too. But I'm so out of shape, I don't like going out to play with them. I get winded and tired. Then I get upset, frustrated, and depressed. I want to come back in and hide. I want to show them how so swing on the monkey bars, but the whole swing set shifts and sways when I'm on it, and I'm afraid I'll break it. I want to play and run and chase them, and laugh and giggle, but they wear me out, and it embarrassing!
A friend of mine wrote a very funny story in which he referred to the three versions of himself. The past self, the present self, and the future self. I think this is my new mantra. You see, in doing this, one never has to take accountability for his actions, because it's always some other version of himself who's to blame or who has to "pay" for it. In my case, Past Carter was very seditary and ate a lot of the wrong foods. Past Carter really enjoyed this lifestyle because it was comfy, and we didn't need to worry about it because Future Carter would be able to fix it. Well, Present Carter has been told there won't be a Future Carter unless significant changes are made.
Also, Past Carter was pregnant and at the mercy of her unborn gremlins. One of which required Past Carter to be on bed rest for 7 weeks. One of the unborn minions wanted nothing but french toast for about three weeks. These demands from a parasitic being do overwhelm and take over, but again, Past Carter fully believed that Future Carter would take care of everything.
So Present Carter needs to tell Past Carter that it's ok she made poor choices. And Present Carter needs to ensure that Future Carter can spend time with Future Honey, Future Boo, and Future GG.
Present Carter is going to get some bread ends, put sweatshirts on her and the kids, and walk to the duck pond to feed the ducks. Present Carter is in charge. Let's do this.
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