Wake me up when it's all over

For my unborn children, I gave up sanity and clarity along with wine and caffeine. Don't worry. After they were born and finished nursing, the caffeine and wine came back. But, I have ADHD, and was unable to take my medication during pregnancy, nursing, and trying to get pregnant. After our second (and, subsequently, last) child, I stayed at home to raise them. I was a stay at home Mom for about a year and a half. Then I went to work in a small law office part time, then went to work at a friends company. There was a Ritalin shortage nationwide, and getting my Rx's filled became almost impossible. I asked my GP, who had taken over my Rx after my diagnosis, if we could switch to something different so I could be more consistent. He felt I needed to see a psychiatrist because s/he would have more knowledge regarding what I needed.

Right about this time, we found the blood clot. The blood clot terrified me, so when I finally made the apt with the psychiatrist, I was understandably depressed, anxious, and due to new pressures at work, I was all-in-all a hot mess. My new psychiatrist put me on antidepressants because she thought I was depressed, and not ADHD. 

So here I was, almost 20 years after my initial diagnosis, being told I wasn't ADHD, I was depressed. Well, I thought, "Here we go again". I thought that, because all through out high school Drs put me on anti-depressants over and over again. Both of my parents were/are clinically depressed, so it was though that this was my "problem" too. My mother was stubborn, and with my IQ being higher than hers, and she being a Duke University graduate, she just knew I was capable of anything, and I just wasn't applying myself. She wouldn't even allow me to go through ADHD testing. It wasn't until after she passed away that I was tested and diagnosed.

For the next year I visited my new psychiatrist every 4 to 6 weeks for an update. In that time, I lost my job because my attention to detail, ability to focus or finish a project was nonexistent. I stayed on my blood thinners as treatment for the clot, and tried to manage the day-to-day. The laundry piled up at home. The dishes were only done when my husband came home. Projects were started and stopped. Rooms were half clean, half decorated, or partially rearranged. The garden and swing-set area never received mulch. Things that needed to get done were overwhelming and too much to deal with. Little things were fun for a little while, but then I was frustrated when the kids needed something and it pulled me away from what I was working on. 

Then I just got fed up. Enough is enough. I asked my psychiatrist about Ritalin again. She wouldn't put me on it or any other stimulant while I was on the blood thinners. So I asked my GP who said I would be on the thinners for at least two years.

No. No way. This is crazy. 

I hadn't made an appointment with a hematologist because I didn't want to insult my GP. I know...I know...I'm way too southern for my own good. I didn't want to appear to question him, or "go over his head". But finally I got over it and made the appointment with a hematologist. She looked at all the tests and results from the prior year, took two more tests, one was the ONLY test not performed at the hospital when I was sent to the ER with the original clot, the other was a test to see if there was an active clot anywhere in my system. Both came back negative and I was off the thinners within a week of seeing her.

Back to the psychiatrist I went. We had a longer then normal appointment so we could further discuss my ADHD symptoms, and she agreed. I'm ADHD For Sure! I was given a new medication, a derivative of Ritalin, and I took that bad boy the second I got in the car from filling my Rx. 

Within an hour I wanted to go back to her office to hug her. For the first time in several years I felt like I was back to being whole. I've described my ADHD as being in a room with only a strobe-light on. There is furniture and large balls on the floor and I have to make my way across the room. Yes, I can see, but it's not clear. In fact, it's a little scary. My meds are like turning on the overhead light. I can see everything. The room is still cluttered, but I can very easily navigate my way through quickly, efficiently, and safely.

In the past week, I have finished projects that have been half done for years. I've started more projects that are still undone. The house is (kinda) clean, the laundry is almost caught up. The dishes don't look like a mountain of torture, but are still in the sink right now. Some piles of "things" have been gone through and sorted. Things have been thrown away, organized, and discovered. I have another week on this dosage, and I'm going to tell her it's a great start. We're not quite there yet, but it's such a great start. 

For those without a brain abnormality, it's impossible to understand the feeling of "softness" that comes from getting the chemistry correct. I use the word "soft" because it's just like finally being able to relax and breathe. For years I rememberd what it was like to be able to do ten things all at once and be spectacular at them all! Then I would look around and couldn't do one thing. Couldn't do one hing AT ALL, let alone do it well. I lost my job, I lost friends, I lost myself. But then I took control and fought my way back. I'm back and I'm awake, and I sincerely hope that all the fog is over.